8 REASONS TO TAKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK

8 REASONS TO

TAKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK

Writing by Ray Hidalgo

March 23, 2015

Each weekend can be an escape. In order to distract ourselves from the monotony of our lives, we may smoke doobs while cruising around random neighborhoods, pound Red Bull/vodka shots like Greek life neophytes, or snort lines of coke and pretend that we don’t have a drug problem. But come Monday when we throw on our starched out suits or fluff out our professional dresses for another day at work, all we have to slap ourselves sober and awake are those sorry interns and baristas waiting to feed our caffeine addiction. So, how do I take my coffee? Black.

1. It’s another breakfast run to the diner and you’ve meticulously measured out your sugar to cream ratio. Half a cup of Joe later, your server walks by, tops you off, and ruins everything. That accommodating bitch.

2. Coffee is like a fine steak. Like slathering a fine ribeye in A1, throwing all the extras into a brew dilutes its unique essence into Splenda-addled banality. Because freshly ground Brazilian java doesn’t really roll off the tongue in tandem with “sucralose”.

3. Expecting little of the coffee you got from the gas station? Well, you actually should, but at least you won’t be sorely disappointed by the lack of feel-good coffee shop preservatives that erode your insides. Because the loftier your expectations, the greater the letdown.

4. You’re lying to yourself if you buy a fancy Frappucino topped with whip cream drizzled in caramel for the morning. Admit it, at 7:12 a.m., you have the go-f__k-yourself grit of the Loch Ness monster rudely pinged awake from slumber by the demands of humanity. Slug down a nice cup of bitter because only hardasses survive morning boardroom meetings.

5. If you want a zero foam, half-caffeinated, double tall latte without whip cream, the rules of entropy are against you. Because you’re free to have it your way, but good luck suffering through the endless Biggby line again when the harried barista got everything right until she forgot to hold the whip cream for your lactose-intolerant ass.

6. Did I mention that it’s really difficult for a barista to mess up an order of regular coffee? Draw pre-brewed coffee from a spigot into a cup and you’re good to go!

7. Without having to drop a mini-fortune on an espresso machine or mastering the art behind the French press, a basic cup of coffee merely requires a universally available bag of Joe, coffee filters, water, and an affordable coffeemaker in your own home!

8. Let’s not forget matters of nutrition. According to CalorieLab.com, a tall, nonfat milk White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks without whipped cream is 240 calories. An average tall, nonfat milk “Coffee of the Week” from the chain is five calories. Yes, that’s a 235 calorie disparity.

The taste of black coffee may be overwhelming at first, but your stomach will thank you for not punishing it with preservatives after six cups when you have a monumental project at school or work that demands your full attention.